If I could speak to my younger self,
I would speak gently and with compassion,
Because I realize now how very much she needs that,
And how much she deprives herself of it.
I would convince her that she is important.
Not because of what she does for others
But simply because she exists.
I would paint a picture for her
Of the astronomical chances she faced
To be in this world,
And the many things that almost threatened
To take her out of it, and then…
Remind her that she is still here.
I would teach her so much earlier in life
To look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I like to think she would have fared situations so much better
If she had truly known and believed that “this too will pass”.
I would help her learn that she doesn’t need to apologize for everything.
Especially not for thinking, speaking, breathing, or taking up space.
I see now how she slowly made herself smaller and smaller for people
Who couldn’t accept the force of nature she was.
I would guide her to spend less time wishing she was something that she’s not,
And to spend more time discovering all that she is.
She is a writer, a painter, an actor, an artist, and so very, very much more.
And I would tell her it’s okay to be proud of those skills and achievements.
There is nothing wrong with being able to impress yourself from time to time.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re conceited or bragging.
It just means you’re proud of something you’ve achieved….and that maybe you surprised yourself in the process.
I would hope I could convince her to stop hating her body, and to stop comparing it to everyone else’s. She’s hated herself for so long that inevitably, the self-hatred shows up in the excess fat and flesh and creates a vicious cycle of hating and eating. Instead, I would hope I could help to motivate her to take care of her body before it’s too far gone.
Perhaps, most importantly, I would tell her there is no one who is more important than she is.
Sure, there will be important people in her life – but I'd hope I could prevent her from putting everyone on pedestals far above and beyond herself. I wish I could convince her that her thoughts, feelings, and words were just as valid as everyone else’s, and that she's never had to push her own thoughts and feelings aside to make room for others.
I would tell her that she is more than someone's daughter or sister. I would tell her she is more than someone’s niece, cousin, or aunt. I would tell her that friends and family are important and require hard work to maintain, but teach her that it is always okay to walk away from toxic situations that threaten her mental health.
I would tell her countless times that she is loved.
I would tell her with all sincerity that she is good, and special, and kind.
I would tell her that she is stronger than she gives herself credit for.
I would tell her that she is beautiful, and intelligent, and talented.
Yes, I wish I could sit down with my younger self and impart this wisdom upon her; to save her the heartaches and trials I’ve faced.
But, I also realize that that little girl had to live the life she lived to become the woman she is now.
So instead, I’m going to work on having these conversations with myself.
I’m going to work on loving myself, appreciating all that I have, and being grateful for my many gifts.
After all – today I’m just the younger version of who I’ll be tomorrow.
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